It felt a little disingenuous, writing yesterday about such a happy thing. Our love story. The quilt which is supposed to remind me, every time I run upstairs to shove a stinky diaper in the bin. Every time I run downstairs to get ice from the freezer to soothe a boo-boo. Every six a.m. wake up call after getting grunted at by my ‘tween on my way for the coffee. It should remind me of all the love and the circumstances that brought us here. Truth is though, that it doesn’t always — remind me. I am able (much to my own disappointment) to walk past it a hundred times a day and not be moved. Someone carved squares from work-shirts and muslin and collected scraps from church-dresses and quilting bees to create an artful expression and warm their family. Decades later it has made it’s way into my life for a reason, and I forget. And even as I write this I understand that I wish for it’s symbol to bring light to my day and still it feels dark sometimes.
Last week was tough. Maybe it’s just January. I’ve been here before. We’re all cooped up. My body isn’t soaking up enough sunshine. I have a cold. The easy baby I nursed for the last two years now has his own opinion about everything and guess what? It’s the extreme polar opposite of mine. My eleven year old is fully steeped in middle school drama and moody behavior and guess what? He’s taking it out on me. My husband was AWOL at work. I found myself snapping.
And I walked by that quilt, seven hundred times, and I still felt dark.
But this place. This place causes me to take a closer look, to put things in perspective and for that, I’m grateful.
His passion and talent.
Giving something back.
A few warmer moments.
Company in my sick bed.
An entire day in NYC.
Wrapped in something I made for him.
(Photo and baby toes credit: Stephanie Hatzenbuehler)
A successful project.
Family tradition.
This week I will try harder. I will focus on the positive. I will live up to the story of that quilt.
I appreciate this post.. I get what your saying. I think our lives are so full and so busy.. some days are certainly better then others. I think being mindful of your feelings and actions is what makes the difference. January is really tough..
I resonate with this post. So many times the ideas in my head are grand and overreaching…. well they are filled with inspiration, kindness and magic. Then the day to day comes and I fall short of what I want to do, or have a hard time seeing the image in my head become reality. So this I work on to let go of the shoulds…. but also I am finding new hope in looking at the Waldorf Family/HOME.
Waldorf is an educational method, controversial to some and common sense for others. As I do homeschool, this is not my chosen curriculum, but I see this more as a “way to live in peace” method for parenting. I offer it up to you, as you are already living some of these things as you create and yearn to do the best you can for your family. I think that finding a way to follow the “rhythm” and “nurture warmth” are key elements to what I am taking away from Waldorf. I desire a home that is warm and nurturing, and allows for a rhythm that speaks of our little 4 person family.
What I have also noticed is that I feel more at ease with the slow process of unfolding. I grant myself the average day of things to do and such. Life is about those moments most… the ones that we just move through without thinking. I love my blog and blog subscriptions to help me put it all into perspective and gather if you will under the “Red Tent” to make sense of it all. We women need this safe space to be honored every month!
HUGS…
xoxo
I also find that when I’m not in my writing space, I forget to slow down and things pass me by. Thanks for the reminder. And for the giving of that amazing quilt.
If I walked past a treasured object seven hundred times a day and stopped to breathe in its full significance each and every time, I would not get a lot done in my life. It is indeed a reminder and symbol of the good, of the sunshine, of the things that should buoy one up. I think the very acknowledgement that this week the symbol wasn’t particularly potent for you is proof enough that it’s valuable and that you are not as disingenuous as you feel. You’re simply human. Plus, even if it was a little cloudy for you, it became a bit of sunshine for your readers who took that symbol and were reminded of the significant details of their own lives. That’s pretty cool, Amy. You’re becoming one of my favourite keyboard philosophers…
Winter is tough. Your list is wonderful. I am jealous of the light splashing on your feet and quilt. The sun is our here today. I’m going to make an effort to get outside.
We’ll get through this together.
XO
I can’t convey things as well as you, but I loved your post and want to relate what I gleaned from it. When I hear others or myself realizing what is truly good in our lives, what is really worth our time and energy after going through some struggles, THAT to me is a blessing. If we go through difficult times and never come back to what is right, and lovely, and pure and good, then I feel the struggle was all for naught.
Thanks Amy.
I can tell you that I am 120% ready to say good-bye to January-it’s dark and bitter cold days make me cranky and generally groggy. It’s a hard month for me to get through and I often find myself saying..in ‘x’ number of weeks it will be warm and sunny…not thinking about the beautiful, wonderful things that are perfect in my days right now. This place is a great one-I always read and feel just a little bit better.
Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who isn’t a perfect parent / wife / person.
And thank you also for reminding me to remember the important stuff!!
I really needed that today.
Beautiful post Amy. I find the photography does help me to appreciate things sometimes even when it all seems so dark. I think it’s because photos don’t talk.
Here’s to another day.
xo Jill
Hang in there Amy. Honesty takes guts. Good for you.
And personally, I think it’s okay to not see that beauty everyday, so long as somewhere you know it is there.
PS Challah has the power to make me happy, so happy. Wish I had some now.
I agree, January can be a bear – hell, winter can be a bear! Sometimes I feel like I’m just slogging along through the daily grind, too, even though I live with some beautiful, really wonderful human beings and have a warm home in which to hunker down with said wonderful beings…but we’re only human, after all. I’m not a Mombot, and I’m guessing you aren’t either.
Guess what, though? Tomorrow is February – 2 more months and we’ll be turning the corner toward Spring. I don’t know about you, but I can.not wait.
I hear you – been having a hard time lately with friends and life in general and it’s so easy to forget how fortunate we are and how much we’ve been blessed. I’ll be trying along with you to try and keep a daily reminder of that!
Sorry for your darkness. We all have these moments I suppose that we feel poorly and forget what we have. I can promise you this that when your cold is gone and the sun come out you feel what you all ready know. You are blessed.
In my heart I’m bringing you chicken soup.
Someday we’ll break a beautiful loaf of bread together and talk for hours about the good days and the bad days. 2 1/2 is tough.
I put your quilt up on the wall in Miles’ bedroom. No joke, I walk into his room for no other reason than to stare at it for a bit. I look at it when we’re nursing. Eva and I have talked about where it came from.
It’s ok to walk by the quilt on your stairs 4,ooo times without ‘feeling’ it every time. It hits you when it needs to. You have no idea how blessed I feel to have something in my home so special.
you are not alone!
i swear the full moon has been doing a number on me. but i love your reminder that it just takes a small adjustment to see the positive. i’m going to work on that this week, too.
Sending you lots of Australian Summer sun xx
This is a brave and honest post.
You’re not alone in these feelings.
Being positive is great, and it is also important to acknowledge sadness and frustration and challenge — those are vital parts of a real life, too.
I hope the sun is shining where you are today.
I love this post Amy. We’ve all been there. I myself have been there this week as well….which is why it has taken me a few days to tell you that your “giving something back” quilt arrived safely at my home. Thank you. I absolutely love it. (More to share with you in personal email.)
Middle school drama – say no more! My youngest is almost finished with middle school and I will be so happy to wave it goodbye.
A wonderful post. Thanks for putting into words that which I can’t.
This week was tough here as well. Sick children, medicines that cause my non-sleeping toddler to sleep even less, extra hours at work, house falling apart, two difficult projects for school that there just wasn’t time for. After the freaking out and the near-tears moments, it all settled down. It usually does. Just hang in there and it will get back to those peaceful moments.
Thanks for the great post. It sums up how I feel sometimes, especially this time of year, and it makes me feel good to know I’m not alone. I keep a gratitude journal and at times like this I like to read back and remember how much I have to be thankful for.
January does the same thing to me. Getting out of town to a warm and sunny place totally helped this year. Now we are back and it’s snowing all the time! OH well. More time inside to get some projects finished. Right?
I am sure that that quilts with it stories and history have room for all kinds of days and all kinds of moods. Embrace the experiences life offers. (ooh… and remind me of that sentence when i gos through a rough patch myself).
Totally get this post. January is a tough month, and it’s hard to have a busy, full life and remember to stop and appreciate it more often.