an email conversation this morning with a friend has got me thinking, again, about the paradox of motherhood in today’s society.
her words were of what we consider good fortune: a new house and a good job. her ability (and choice, i’m assuming) to be home with her children. and at the same time, the overwhelming separation from herself. she referred to the typical family structure in times past and how community played a much larger role in the raising of one’s family. how no one woman would be expected to do all the things any one of us must manage before our morning coffee.
whether we opt to stay home full-time with our children or work outside of our homes, we are multitasking all the time. and we prioritize. kids first. always. and chores and work and other family-related tasks.
us, last.
if a mother of young children has the time to read a book after she has put the kids to bed i’ll bet this week’s grocery money she falls asleep before the second page. sex life? ha. personal growth? career advancement? it all waits. and it’s mostly okay that it does. because they’re only little once. after a while, it gets easier. leaving them with a neighbor to take a yoga class because you really need to. and listening to them whine when you tell them to play by themselves because mommy is working. it’s good for them. (disclaimer: i am not a parenting expert. i am a two-time mother with a near-ten-year separation between my first and second children and i can only write about my experience and what i believe.)
but it all creates a space between who you were before your children and who you will be now. you became their mother. and what a wonderful thing that was. is.
but then, what happened to that other woman. the one from before? with all the other interests and complete sentences? is she gone forever? for me, the answer is becoming increasingly clear. gone? yes. forgotten? no.
It’s awful, I know. Mothers should all get a month off in February.
Hang in there.
Beautiful, Amy. You, and your words. As always.
What a lovely photo of you. I love your thoughts about motherhood. Here’s something interesting to think about. I was a mother, I am a mother, I will always be a mother. The best of me was a mother, though I failed often to be excellent my children still love me. Now my grandchildren love me and I love that role so much. I was talking the other day to a young mom at work and I was talking to her about relaxing with a book and a cup of tea and ………….She looked at me like I was a lunatic. “I have a 3year old at home”. “Oh” I said, “I’m sorry, I forgot”. Seriously I forgot all about the self sacrifice of mothering younger children. On this end of it you will still be longing and missing and trying to be who you have lost. Being a mother, missing your children, wishing they could be at the dinner table or snuggle their face in your neck. It wasn’t long ago i was holding my little grandson and my son said to him, “Captain, nuzzle your face into her neck when you hug her, she likes that”. Indeed I do. My son, he remembers.
I love my life now, empty nest hasn’t ruined me at all, I became a nurse when my kids left. I enjoy quiet evenings with their dad nearly every night. It’s great too
I like to think of it like this: I’m always going to be their mom, I’m just not on active duty anymore, just the reserves.
I just love it when you write your thoughts, thanks for that and If I can make one more comment it would be that I will also fall asleep before I hit the second page of a book.
blessings.
there are so many amens i could say in my comments because i have asked and pondered on these issues when i decided to stay home with mu kids…but really i just wanted to say that i so so love this picture of you. i don’t take many pictures of me (too critical of them) yet I’m realizing the importance of doing that. so just commending you for doing it. you are beautiful.
The day will come when they go off on their own and you will look around and think, “Now what?” Well, you’ll get to find all the things about yourself that you thought you had forgotten. It’s an adjustment, and you have to enjoy your interests with an older bod and failing eyesight, but it is fun to get back to focusing on you again! Enjoy each moment, you won’t remember most of the crappy stuff, only the touching stuff.
sometimes i catch a glimpse of her. it’s like spotting an old friend across a busy street. xo.
I left her looking at expensive shoes on the Kings rd,London as I boarded a plane to meet my husband to be here stateside.
I don’t miss her often:0)
This hits close to home for me. My kids are 10, 6, and 2 and I’m really longing for something of my own, besides being the mom and wife. We are in the midst of more snow days and I really miss small bits of uninterrupted time….
So poignant and so true for me. I am different. That woman is in the past, but she still exists. She emerges in snippets throughout the day. She is part of who I am just as I am part of her. Wonderful self portrait.
There are many times I wonder where that other woman went but then I think that that other woman wasn’t half as clever as the one that was able to have a family and merge a job with a range of school activities, speech therapy, ballet lessons and swimming lessons. Oh the times I grossed people out at the Monday morning WIP meeting when my contribution was about the colour of content of my child’s nappy only to find the most revolted are now revelling in the same thing 10 years later. I’d do it again and often wished I’d been able to do it more often! I think the other woman is still here, she just has more to talk about and more to do! Love your words, love your photo and love the one of the boys the other day.
I love this picture of you. I ask myself this daily, but am beginning to like who I am now. I had to attend a funeral this week of a friend from college. She died of a brain tumor and left her husband and five boys behind. Their ages ranged from 17-5 yrs. I think her death came at a time in my life to think about the “what if” in my life. What do I love about our family, and what should we work on. What aspects of me, does my family love, and when am I a complete b*&^ch? It’s a journey which, on most days is a fun trip.
I don’t think the other me has left. I think it’s still me… just different. We evolve, we adapt. I haven’t lost the twenty something that travelled the world footloose and fancy free… I haven’t lost the working girl… it’s still me… just adapting to my life today/now (and probably for the next few years too…
After that? who knows, I know it’ll still be me when they have fled the nest.
Yes, I understand this one perfectly. It took me a while to get out of meeting babies needs… then it was figure out how to live on one income… then it was relocating to South Florida.. then it was figuring out how to be a homeschooling mom, which led to a homeschooling family…then another relocation which brought about so many skeletons…then finally we found our home which brought renovations…and finally today or really the start of this year, I am coming to terms with the other woman. I have started to carve out time for me, after getting others settled into their lives. It takes us by storm becoming wives, mothers etc. We lose ourselves, because we know how important it is to make those around us comfortable. Thankfully, I found the time to focus inward and to realize I was always there, just waiting, like at the train station for a train that would finally come. I am ready to board my train too now and figuring out my destination has opened up so many possibilities! I also enjoy the thought I have like minded companions on the train via the blogs I read and the journey’s we all seem to want.
oh my! this is my thoughts lately…..I have a 17 year old son, only child, I am almost 42 and lately I am just wondering and thinking too much about him leaving the nest, I am excited for him and the road he has ahead of him but what about me? I have been pretty much a stay at home mom his whole life, I started taking a college course last year (ASL) for the first time in my life going to college and right now in my 3rd semester I am glad I am doing it (even though scary at times!) but I try to think of finally focusing on me, I want to but in ways I don’t because my life has evolved around my son all these years, not sure what I know. It scares me in a sense to be able to do what I want and I feel certain eyes are on me expecting to go get some full time time that I have no experience with…..it’s exciting, scary and full of blessings but still wondering….
Thanks!
like spring is not forgotten in the winter, but it’s never the same each time it blooms, is it? beautiful but different.
you are beautiful. i hope your day is filled with coffee and 97 seconds to enjoy it. i’m happy to be a card carrying member of your cyber village amy
In my case, she is gone, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It seems so cliche, but I think my kids have made me better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sure I’m a great mom, but I am a better woman for having become a mother. More importantly, I feel like me, what I always wanted to be, but never knew or realized until a few years into motherhood.
Great self portrait. Stunning. You look happy.
Thank you so much for writing this. It is funny, maybe it is Monday, but I had just put my boys down for a nap (4 mo., 3.5, and 6) and had my first moment to myself and this was where I ended up. Thank you just for saying what you did and starting the conversation. I was thinking this morning that time and our perspective of it is so relative. So many times when it is 11:30 and I am folding the laundry and wishing I could paint, read, think a thought and at the same time feeling the wonderful pain of wanting to catch every second of my 3 year old’s conversation about pickles and puppies, I remember it is always tempting to want a different moment than the one we are in right then. Even if the moment is fabulous. I am a professional songwriter and also stay at home with my kids, at least for now. However, every time I talk with my friends who have a “professional” work week, I remember that so many “jobs” are just that, “jobs”. I know we all want to LOVE what we do but (especially in this economy) it is a real blessing to get to have work. And then to actually adore it, well, that is a freaking miracle. And that even if I was allowed the luxury of a lunch in silence and a commute all alone with my own thoughts there would be aching moments of wishing I was experiencing the luxury of “loving” my work. But to have imagination in the day-to-day, to be weary and lost and still find the crack of light, belief, hope and “magic”, well that is the “work” I feel that I am involved in as a mother. And as gritty and tricky and spotty as it seems sometimes, I have no doubt that it is life-changing for my children, but mostly for me.
so so so true! I’ve been struggling with this so much lately. #3 has laid me down for the count when it comes to doing the things I used to do. Even just with only 2 I could get more done. But as you say, what a wonderful thing to have become their mother. Thanks as always for speaking from all of our hearts! xo
i’ve missed catching up with you here. what a day to read this. i am drowning in the mundane and unable to cherish the little moments right now. i miss that other woman, and am fearful, because I am not sure I remember her anymore. it is just a particularly trying few weeks and i am still only at the beginning of the tunnel and the light seems very far away. i know i will get there, it is just tedious travel.
what you said was beautiful, just like you are. going to try and soak up the little sun left today.
I know.
And I came to realize more and more that I can’t even PRETEND to forget myself. I need myself.
My daughter is five now. And I am more and more following the path of my passions and creativity, my needs too. I teach her that. I only show her with the example (even more than “teaching”) to follow a passion, to never let go our true selves.
Sometimes she whines when I tell her to go play alone. But many times she doesn’t and she is ok. And I know that I will be too.
Thank you for this post.