today everyone’s life is better than mine. i wake before dawn and scroll through the loveliness on instagram and flickr, each image sweeter than the next. the day goes on and i run into laughing neighbors in town. i consider how easy their lives are. i imagine their drama-free worlds and i forget that one must be careful for what one wishes for. that no one’s life is what it seems. freaking beautiful blogs about perfection—even in it’s most imperfect forms. enlightened folks finding joy in the mess of toys on their living room floors. i forget to feel grateful for what i have. the weight of what i don’t have has won out.
just for today i allow this.
no. it’s not like me to let these thoughts seep into my consciousness. banished some years ago with the combination of the proper dose of antidepressants and that first look at my baby’s clear eyes, i’m usually the one expounding on the virtues of how beautiful the mess can be. but some days it fills up too high and one last drop falls in. the bucket overflows. of course, i have it all. my children are wondrous beings and i’m growing closer to being their perfect mother every day. but just for today i’ve eked every last ounce of beauty out of the crap that’s flung around my less-than-perfect home. just for today i feel sorry for myself and how much harder this all is than i ever imagined. just for right now i want to go back to the safety of my parents’ home and have them make everything okay again.
i’m told that the aging and eventual illness of our parents causes fear to seep into even the safest aspects of our lives. the idea, maybe, that one day we’ll really be the only grownups left. today it’s too much and i don’t want to see how you’ve found just the right sunbeam to photograph that giggling child. i embrace the darkness.
and i know, because i’ve been here before, that tomorrow i’ll be grateful too, for today’s weight. i will allow that light to shine again and it will be that much brighter as it illuminates the beautiful mess on my kitchen table. but just for today, please indulge me.
postscript: the lapse between this post and my last one is due to a computer hacking which resulted in the loss of a few months worth of posting. i gave up trying to save them and am marching onward. shit happens.