If you’ve been around here for any length of time you’ll know that I juggle staying home with my toddler and working part-time (from home) as well. Given the choice I wouldn’t have it any other way. But any mother who says she loveseveryminuteofit is full of it.
Am I happy? Yes. Fulfilled? Mostly. Tired? Almost always. Isolated? Youbetcha. It’s entirely possible that days go by when I don’t have a conversation with another adult. A typical morning finds my husband and I exchanging a few schedule- or money-related words over teethbrushing and then hours upon hours of communicating only with a two-year-old. (Me: ‘Are you sure there’s no poop in your diaper?’ Him: Nononono! Nopoopmama’. Me: [checking said diaper] ‘I smell a poop’. Him: [running away] ‘hahaha’.) The afternoons are likely to bring homework ‘conversations’ with my eleven-year-old and maybe a few brief words on the phone with whomever is supposed to fix whatever is currently broken in my house. Possibly squeezed in there somewhere there is a discussion of the weather with the supermarket checkout person or an explanation of how I like my coffee at the local coffee shop. But a true conversation? Sometimes it can be days.
I remember a time when I would have turned up my nose at the idea that a conversation about shoes or celebrity gossip was meaningful in any way. I was young and naive and I’m not afraid to tell you that I was wrong. It turns out: not everything is a matter of life or death. Discussions about the details of one’s days are the foundation on which friendships are built. Anyone can talk politics or religion with you but it takes a true friend to tell you that you’ve chosen the wrong lip-gloss color.
But who has time to pick up the phone and mull over such minutia? The stuff of lunch dates or afternoon walks in the park with no place to be are a distant memory. Remember when you had the follow-through to clip that article and stick it in the mail to a friend? (Yes, I used to read print and use the postal service. I’m older than you.)
So I’m going to admit to you here that I love Facebook.
When my first son was young I experienced some postpartum depression. I lived in the middle of a huge city filled with people but I was completely alone. My marriage wasn’t strong and my hormones were out of control and I was lonely. My family was supportive but if you’ve been through the process of becoming a mother you know that connections with others who ‘get’ what you’re going through are crucial for your sanity. I don’t mean to skim over this topic and while it certainly warrants (at least) an entire post on it’s own, I’m using it here to illustrate a point. Almost ten years later I found myself becoming a new mother yet again. With all of the responsibilities of the first time, and then some. Only this time I communicated with my friends every day. Online.
Yes. You’re reading this right. I’m crediting Facebook (and blogging) with helping me to stay out of the deep reaches of postpartum depression.
Am I saying that Facebook has or should replace actual human contact? Obviously not. But face it, we’re all busy. Being able to respond when it’s convenient for me is the key to actually communicating with my friends. If you’ve ever called me, you know this. There’s just never a good time to talk. But a good time to send off a one line congratulations to a friend’s post about a promotion? Easy. Or dash off a note asking for suggestions for dinner ideas to please a picky-eater? No problem. I can even do it with a kid on my lap or Sesame Street on the tube. And like magic I receive a reply and suddenly I’m not alone in it all.
While I’m extremely lucky and consider many of my neighbors to be dear friends, we don’t get to choose who lives around us. With Facebook my friends are always close by and I get to grab little peeks into their daily lives. It’s those little peeks that help keep me connected, and it’s that connection that helps keep me grounded.
So you can make fun of Facebook if you want but I’m keeping my account.
You can avoid Facebook because you’ve heard it’s addicting but I say: addicted to having friends? Sign me up.
A lovely post Amy…and as a stay at home Mum I certainly get the isolation and conversations with a 2 year old (mine doesn’t even talk yet so it is a one way convo).
Exactly.
And I um just shared this on Facebook.
Amy,
I love it when you write posts like this. The way you describe your life makes it seem so real and I’m sure everyone pretty much can relate. You’re real. Thanks for being around and continuing to write these thought inspiring posts.
P.S. Love the photography today as well.
I was at home for 10 years with my boys before I went back to work. During that time my marriage crumbled and I was absolutely broke so I didn’t go out much. I really wish I had’ve known about blogging back then. I know it would have made a huge difference to my life.
Toot-toot! Hooray for FB! I am so with you, this post is so right on I am going to link to it today! I think that Blogging is a big help too. Thanks!
Amen and Amen.
I know I always say this – but it’s like you are in my head and write the things I wish I could find the words for. I’m so glad for facebook and my blogging friends – it’s going to make this move to a new place a lot less scary. I get to take you all with me!!
PS – I joined facebook shortly after my 2 year old was born. I would get on it while nursing. I spent A LOT of time on FB.
Oh yeah, I can relate for sure. These days I consider the phone to be a total nuisance – every time it rings there’s an argument between 2 adults, 1 pre-teen, and a preschooler about who’s gonna answer the damn thing. And trying to converse with whomever is on the other end? Hopeless, and not without a myriad of distractions and interruptions. I’m keeping my blog and my FB account, too. And that’s that. Because I said so.
I’m actually thankful for Facebook… my family and friends are scattered all over the globe and without it, I wouldn’t know half of what’s going on in anyone’s life.
I love Facebook for staying connected with extended family all over the country. It’s wonderful to talk to my grandma’s sister about quilting and my 3rd cousin about screen printing, even with them in another part of the states. I don’t really keep up with friends on it though. A few years ago was my high school class reunion and EVERYONE came out of the woodwork to add me as a friend, people I didn’t like in high school (and they probably had no idea who I was) and yet they just HAD to add me. But I am very picky about who my friends are, about who I want to know what’s *really* going on in life.
But it is great for staying connected with those you love and care about!
yes, love this! for me FB hasn’t been as much of a connection, but blogging has. i’m way isolated and dream of new friends. but life with 2 2-year-olds makes it pretty unlikely anytime soon. i’m all for whatever keeps you sane. i was just posting about friends today too.
You’ve hit the nail on the head! When I first found the blogging community my first thought was “why wasn’t this around when I was raising three little boys under the age of five?” It would have helped me be a much happier, content mother. And I wouldn’t have felt SO alone. Wonderful post!
Exactly. I have three groups on FB. Fellow blogers, my cousins, and fellow booksellers. Always something going on, and it’s great to catch up.
Another great post Amy.
I thought I’d let you know that your blog is in my Reader under the category of “quilting” and I have to say that yours is probably one of the few quilting blogs I read when a non-quilting post comes up (my infrequently updated quilting blog is lulubloom.wordpress.com). I can relate so much to what you write and you say it so well. Keep it up.
Oh, and I am a fan of FB too but I am not witty or clever enough to make status updates regularly there, so I mostly lurk or just comment on others’ updates. But even lurking and only commenting (not updating) I still feel connected to others and that helps me feel somewhat sane.
That’s funny! Now we know where you’ve been lately. How many friend requests have you had since this post?
While on mat leave (we get a year here and I took it!) I often found myself getting into any conversation I could with everyone from the supermarket clerk to our egg man. But sometimes it pays off, one of my dearest friends now is someone I met while we were both out strolling with our babies, and trolling for human contact.
You are so right. Facebook does rock. With so many of my friends living far, far away it’s a way for us to keep tabs on the going-ons of each others’ lives and know when there are ups and downs-and just to chat! I’m sure that as we all enter the days of baby-hood Facebook will become even more wonderful.
i agree! i agree!
i wish i had it ten years ago. nuff said.
hear hear. I don’t have facebook, but I have flickr, my blog and email and a group of friends I can count on when I need a chat. Albeit online.
When my first was born (almost 11 yrs ago) I was just like you, and I crumbled. I was 200 miles from ‘home’, I had no friends locally and I didn’t know how to meet any. When number 2 came along almost 5 yrs ago I swore I wouldn’t go through the hell I went through before. Because it was hell, and I couldn’t get through the day without breaking down over nothing. I battled and fought with a depression that only really left me when I was pregnant with number 2. Today I’m happy, I chat to friends via the internet every day. Sometimes I meet up with friends face to face, but those times are extra precious and for when I can’t snatch a few hours for tea and face to face chat, I’ll take this virtual life, thank you very much.
Amy, I love your posts!!! You have such a way with words and expressing what a lot of us are feeling. I am wondering like Cheryl how many Facebook requests you have gotten in the last day or two?! I was hoping you would have a link or tab at the bottom of your post for us to all join you
Enjoy your weekend!
Beautiful post today that I can really relate to. I stayed home when my two children were small, then worked one or two days a month, then one day a week, then more, until eventually when they were preteens, I started working full time again. It’s hard to be a working mom, but I think staying home is even harder in many ways. Tough days and joyous days, those early years when I was home full time are such precious memories to me! I feel truly blessed to have had the opportunity.
I also suffered with postpartum depression after both births and one miscarriage. And I was so isolated. Afraid to tell anyone, afraid that no one would understand. There is a lot to be said for keeping in touch online — through FB, blogging, email, etc. Your friends are just a keystroke away. Fast support and encouragement. And, oh, that feeling that you are not alone
Thanks for sharing.
I agree with you. Facebook is good and it has it’s place. For sure.
I like that you can say what’s on your mind or whatever you feel like. Deep or silly or whatever.
Your “friends” can chat/participate/awknowledge/whatever & still lives their own lives and vice versa.
Well said!
Love this post — your thoughts, writing, and photos. Thanks for saying so well what many of us are feeling. I’m so thankful for your blog!
Yes! I love fb too, trying to get back in the conversation after months of not allowing myself to get sucked in there. I’ve loved connecting with people from college and high school, and now blogger friends like you! hugs
Wow – I’m so happy to have gotten such a thoughtful explanation of why facebook is so important to so many. I don’t have facebook account and for the first time am actually considering joining. I’ve always considered myself a fairly private person so I’m not quite sure just what I will share but you’ve really given me something to think about. Thanks again for your insightful posts!
This wa totally recognizable, me agree.
i agree, ditto, totally. i always have 100+ emails in my inbox to respond to, go days without sitting still for more then 45 seconds, talk only briefly to supermarket folks….. facebook, even if i can’t type because i have my hands full, i can at least see and feel connected to my friends. or the friends i have left after being mia in motherhood for too long. i don’t watch a lot of tv. but i loved six feet under. it was on hbo years ago. ruth, the mother said in one episode, “If my experience is anything to go by, motherhood is the loneliest thing in the world” my son was a newborn at the time and i sat there crying after she said it because i understood that my journey in lonely and tired had just begun.
Amen, Sista! I am totally addicted to Facebook.
I just love this post.
I have also found the online world a good place to stay connected to fellow poets & to feel connected to the writing world even while I am home with small ones. Yay, Internet!
Dear Amy,
Being a mother of my first (5 months old boy), I couldn’t agree more with you. And I consider myself lucky, because I have friends and family, who insists on visiting us from time to time
I have linked to this article on Facebook
Totally agree with you. I use facebook to connect with family far away and keep up with a couple close college friends~ It’s a good tool if use well.
here! here!
i was late to the fb game, but since i’ve been on there i’ve been so grateful (just as i am with blogging and flickr) for the connections i’ve made with old and new friends. it isolating to be home with the little ones and it’s nice to take a 5 minute break to say hello to someone else or see what they’re up to.
it’s a hard thing to explain to people who don’t ‘get it’, but i think you just did it perfectly.
Hi there. I love this post. This is my first visit to your blog and I’ll be back. Your words resonate with me in a way you would not believe. I have two little girls (2&3) and had postnatal depression after the second was born – the combination of an 18mo, new baby, lack of sleep as well as isolation from friends led me to a dark, dark place. Thank you for putting it all so eloquently.
Jules
PS:I too am on FB and it allows me to stay in touch with friends who are half a world away, without worrying about time zones, daylight savings time, who’s children will be asleep when, etc.
Often I can’t find the words to wrap my thoughts around. And then I read one of your posts and you have expressed them for me.
Amen to the FB (and texting and blogging). I have not wanted to admit how much I love FB because of the friends who are “above” it. Glad you are not one of them.
Amy: I read your blog periodically and I love it. I also find blogging and Fb to be grat tools to keep in contact with fiends and family all over the world. I totally agree with your post, I was not a stay at home mom but work and kids leave no time for adult conversations either.
There are so many different friendships. Freindships for everything you can imagine. Friends for shopping, knitting, baking, talking, crying, laughing, chatting, sewing, playing, and so many more things. All meaningful in their own way…
While I’m very lucky to have a few treasured friends locally and a huge family here claiming kin, it’s hard to have time for conversation as a full-time business owner. Facebook is just one of the ways I connect with people with interests in handspinning and knitting. Blogging and Facebook are how I found out that there was such a large and active fiber community. When I started spinning in 1985, I thought I was the only handspinner left on the planet!
love FB! love my friends on it…not so fun to have HS friends find me, but i just hit the ignore button for those!
Yes, I have to agree! I have so few local friends that without Facebook/Flickr/whatever, I would be so lost. Or maybe I’d just have to leave the house once in a while…
oh wow, love this post! I know a few people who need to hear this articulated…I am not so articulate. Good defense of the amazing FB : )
This is perfectly said! Although I don’t use FB, I feel the same way about Flickr and blogs. Without them, I really would be alone with extremely little adult human contact. And I don’t have time to talk on the phone and I’m not big on playdates, so it fits my life perfectly and I’m so grateful for the relationships.
I am just loving your space here! I could quite possibly be here all afternoon!
where is the ‘like’ button?
(i came here from jmbmommy
she highly recommended you & she was right
Amy-
Have a great day!
I followed you over here from Maegan’s blog (Madeline Bea: Life Set To Words) because I just loved your response about being focussed, staying home w’/ your kids, etc. Wow. I am so glad I read that because it lead me to this-which I love even more. I could not agree more as I also credit blogging, Flickr and Facebook to me having somewhat of a social life, pathetic as it may sound. Love your blog and cannot wait to read much, much more!