Originally posted July 31st 2008.
I first became a Mother ten years ago. I wasn’t a natural. I was scared and lonely and very sad. I felt guilty. The guilt was overwhelming and I slipped quietly into a dim place. I functioned there. After all, it was familiar to me. I had been there before. I mothered my beautiful child. I loved him fiercely and I took care of him, but none of it made me happy. Guilt. He grew and blossomed and it was a wonder to behold. How did the other mothers manage to sleep and eat and have sex? How did they go on to have other children? Surely the people who loved me must have seen what was happening. Nothing.
Perhaps this was motherhood and I was not designed for happiness. Guilt again.
To be thinking of such things, now, on the first anniversary of the birth of my second son, marks this day for me with clarity. Today’s joy, and it is the truest joy I have ever experienced, is appropriately bittersweet amidst the memories. This wasn’t my experience on the first birthday of my first son. He was cheated. I cheated him of a happy mother. I am here now and I’m amazed and grateful for that. I no longer feel the guilt for what could have been. I’ve moved past that.
The fear though, hasn’t completely gone. It lurks in the corners and at the edges. They are dark and threaten to creep back into my days. But they don’t. And I awake again each morning full of peace. There is a brightness I have never before seen. And it is so light that I cry when I attempt to describe it. I believe it to be happiness.
I thought I would write about fried chicken and tomato salad and sewing projects and baby presents on this day. And perhaps I will do so tomorrow, but for now, I share with you, my friends-without-faces, thoughts which are dominating my moments. And I feel joy.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I, too, have been in that shadowy place. My heart goes out to you with joy that you have found the light!
Oh Amy. I’m so glad you found joy – glad for all of you. Big hugs, friend.
I think it’s wonderful you came out of that, and very brave of you to share something so personal. And a happy birthday to your little one
Ahhhh! (that’s a scream, not meant to be gentle). Why must it all be so conflicting? So. So. So. perfectly put.
Finding joy is sometimes harder to find than lost socks. I’m so glad you found it. Thanks for sharing–so many lurk in the shadows thinking they are alone because we are afraid to share the darkness that has been a part of our own lives. Thanks, Amy.
Beautifully put. Happy birthday : )
Ah yes, the fear. It is always there, isn’t it? I’m so glad that you have found joy. And while you may feel that you cheated him, I’m betting that he’s never felt cheated.
Powerful, poignant thoughts. I’m so glad you recycled them for us. You are posting such great stuff lately.
Happy birthday to your boy (and to you, Mama!). In a way, I think motherhood is full of darkness and light, and just trying to managing those waters is a challenge. I’m glad to know that you’ve found your way to the bright side…!
OM Gosh, don’t we all slip into these spaces. Every morning is a new day and a new challenge and GUIILT is always lurking to take hold. I’m glad you have found joy. all we can do is the best that we can everyday with a little help from our creator if we ask.
I remember this from last year. It is still beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing it. I love your honesty and awe.
Such an honest post…thankyou
I have been struggling a little of late with mother guilt. I love my kids but sometimes I really wonder whether I am cut out to be a full time stay at home Mum. I’m really trying very hard to ‘enjoy the moment’ as I know that before long they will be adults and leading their own life…butt gee it’s tough sometims x
oh the mommy guilt, it’s a challenge no? But so great that the joy that comes from these little ones can help ease us through the challenges.
You are an excellent writer – capturing the feelings that so many of us feel, but can’t describe. Thank you!
What I liked most about what you wrote was when you expressed that the fear isn’t gone, that it lurks in the corners. I know about that. I have been out of my darkest of places for 20 years, yet when you have lived there for a long time you don’t ever want to go back and you become skillful at living in the light. It’s the daily choices that has kept it in the corners. Thank you for your thoughts.
Marty
Beautiful.
This is probably one of my favorite posts of yours…so true and raw. It captures joy in a way only words can!! Happy Birthday to Quinn!
Happy Birthday to Quinn! How lucky he and Jake are to have an authentic, sensitive and beautiful mama like you. I don’t comment often, but I relate to so many of your posts, and this one touched me so. Sending you lots of sisterly love…and hugs. xx
Your honesty is brave and beautiful. Savour the joy, and try, like many of us do, to keep the guilt pushed far back in the corners. Life is too short.
Happy Birthday to your little son!
Depression has hit our family from time to time and it’s always amazing to come out of the dark cloud and get a new perspective on life.