It finally feels like summer here.
The bottoms of my feet have toughened up and Jake’s knees appear permanently skinned. All crafting has come to a screeching halt and cooking means lighting the grill.
But I’m not in a groove.
For years I had the same summer ‘schedule’ that involved only me and Jake. We settled easily into days filled with was camp and swimming and visiting relatives and friends and trips to the farmer’s market. There were late mornings and air-conditioned movie theaters and trips to the supermarket just to cool off. Evenings out front with the neighbors and splurges on overpriced soft-serve. Year after year. And then there was an anomaly of a summer where a baby threw us all off our game. And then last summer. I had a baby who was happy to be schlepped where ever his big brother went—as long as there was a sling of some sort and Mama’s breast. Portability at it’s best. (I may have gotten a little cocky about how easy it all felt.) And then Quinn learned to walk. And talk. And express his opinion about, well, everything.
This summer I have a toddler. And a tween. And never the twain shall meet.
It’s a juggling act at best and at it’s worst it’s dragging the baby to places he just shouldn’t be (you try getting a two-year-old to keep ear plugs in while watching his brother perform on stage at a nightclub where the volume levels are dangerous). It’s waking a baby from a cool afternoon nap to get in a hot car and go pick up his brother. It’s asking an eleven-year-old to be quiet so that his brother can sleep. It’s compromise all around. And I haven’t figured it all out yet. I always feel like someone is missing out—like nobody is getting my full attention.
It’s one of the paradoxes of motherhood. Time for everyone. Time for everything. I’m starting to come to terms with the idea that it just can’t happen. Something’s got to give. Of course it isn’t going to be the kids. Toss it up. The marriage, the house, the finances, personal relationships, creative endeavors. Take your pick.
I’d love to know your thoughts. What gives in your life?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Right now, the idea of having a 3rd child and trying for a girl. Period came again and this time, I just feel defeated and not willing to try again. I think I might be getting rid of that baby phase…. When you think it would be nice, smell the newness of baby skin and hair… think about carrying a miracle in your tummy… well I am letting it go. Not certain I will pick it up again.
well put, Amy. I try to ‘give’ in things like watching television that don’t add a lot of value- and say no to plans I don’t really need to make. Often, between my family and my job, what gives is ‘me’ time. We try to schedule dates so the relationship doesn’t suffer- that’s key… but I find we women generally sacrifice ourselves before letting something compromise the fun/needs of others. I’m both proud and dismayed by that…
What gives in my life is the house. I agonize over decorating and and leave things undone. I ignore clutter. I tolerate chaos. For now.
I think the motherhood balance is always a "WHAT GIVES" trying not to be selfish, but wondering when I get my time. my nap. my break. But at the same time everyone of those moments, I treasure because we never get them back. So what gives? trying to let it go. and enjoy each moment… Life can throw serious curve balls and for today, I’m happy and grateful nothing to crazy is happening.
AMY, I love your new header!
I’m with the Countess. Over the last several months, I’ve had barely enough energy to cover the very basics. Eva is alive. Ferris and I are still together. Bills are paid. I am out of sick leave at work, but at least I came enough to keep my job.
What gives?
The house. I don’t remember the last time I did a load of laundry. We are down to the bare bones of daily survival. Nothing more, nothing less.
The photography. This is the true heartbreaker. Not only have I not had the energy or the time to shoot, I’ve also felt super depressed and uninspired. If nothing else, the last few months have slapped me in the face with the fact that, for me, photography = happiness. I’m staring down the barrell of wanting to make some major changes. Mark my words, this will be the last summer without a camera. It’s my goal, in the next 6 months, to make photography a full time gig.
Funny how lean times make it possible to see the truth.
The job.
We’re having a bit of a crisis at home, so I’ve gone to the doctor and got a medical certificate for two days. (Today is the second one.)
I figure that there’s always other teachers my senior kids can ask if they need help, while my own kids have only me. No contest, really.
The more and more I live life the more I realize it’s such a delicate balance of give and take. I, by no means, have mastered it. In fact it often kicks my bum a bit. Right now what gives is all my craft fun and other "stuff" like that. Time will come again, but now a long walk after a hectic day is far more relaxing.
When I was in your shoes, some twenty years or so ago, what gave in my life was my creative textile work … my embroidery, my quilt making, my garment making … went by the wayside until the kiddo’s got older (mine are only 3.5 years apart in age). I’m not sure that was the right thing to do, but it worked for me.
The one thing I did NOT give up then was my reading — I’ve always been a voracious reader. Funny thing, tho’ — now I do creative stuff all day (that’s more or less how I make my lviing) and barely read a book ever.
Linda
What gives? Well, sleep. As I try to get more time for me to read, get inspired, create. And then the lack of sleep gives way to a cold and low energy and no patience. Not really a great cycle to get into.
The house is a wreck too. Soon my anchor will be home and I’ll get back on a normal sleep schedule.
Balancing the kiddos is a challenge! I tend to let go of more of my creative stuff, blogging a bit, as my relationships with the kids and Joe are far more important to me than quilting or the organization of the house. I let the house/laundry go until I can’t stand it and then spend a few hours catching up again. Hugs and prayers to you and yours.
Oh man, can I ever relate to you; I feel like nobody gets my full attention, either. Not hubby or the kids or the pets or even me. Between working part-time, groceries, cleaning, and playing cruise director, I feel tapped-out. At the end of the day all I wanna do is put my feet up with a glass of wine, knit a little, and stare of into space and not talk, you know? What gives for me is sleep….
Hearing you LOUD and CLEAR. I can’t comment about the tween but boy…my toddler is all consuming. Some days I just wonder why it was we actually decided to do this in the first place! Surely, she will grow out of it?
Yep.
Even though I know that I was a complete wreck last summer, I think about throwing the baby in a sling, or just popping a boob in his mouth, and voila! it was easy as pie. Yesterday he screamed and squirmed and complained through our lovely ride on the Narrow Gauge Railway because all he wanted was to run around on his own power and pick up rocks and flirt with passersby. But we had plans, and big sis and her friends had a blast on the train…
What gives?
Everybody does, sometimes.
I keep telling myself that that’s what it means to be a family – compromise, compromise, compromise – and that getting a mouth-full of dog hair teaches a valuable lesson about not eating things off the floor, but I hear you.
It’s hard to find the groove.
The housework definitely gives.
And the sanity too.
And I let them watch far too much tv.
Mine are 7 and 10 and sometimes I think they are going to "Momma" me to death. And then there are those times you go somewhere and some stranger tells you what good kids you have, and you look at them with disbelief and say thank you. A feeling of pride creeps over you. And then at your next stop the fighting starts all over again. Your bubble has been burst. So it is a fine line you are walking and the house isn’t always clean and sometimes they spend too much time in front of the tv but you love them as much as you can in between the times you want to give them away and you make time to sew or have lunch with a girlfriend or just take a walk with your guy. And you let everyone know that if they stop by you house unannounced they are taking their chances on the state of cleanliness.
i had the same situation as you only mine were girls, they are 10 years apart. When the youngest was born it was difficult and I felt like my oldest was misssing out on my attention a lot. It was weird dealing with diapers and dating dilemas at the same time. but now they are 21 and 12 and very very close, something i am very thankful for. some things you can count on, everything has a season and will pass, and motherhood as you know is a job that never ends. i still call my mom for advice all the time, i know she worries about us still, her job never finished, just different.
I have one daughter who will soon be 10 and we’ve been seriously considering having another. I struggle with what it will be like having two children at completely different ends of the spectrum. I wondered if it would be like you’re saying it is, so I appreciate your honesty a whole lot. I assume it will only get easier as your toddler becomes more independent. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!
As for what gives, definitely the housework and my own interests. I steal time to sew when I absolutely need it, but try not to do too much of it during prime family time.
Sanity is what gives. The laundry piles up up up – out of the baskets and onto the floor. We don’t shop (who wants to shlep around arguing begging children?). There is nothing, NOTHING, to eat. Crabbiness abounds.
But then there are days like today … the teenager is still asleep (it’s noon) and the girls went to a friends house. I’m going to the store by myself and have started knitting a pair of socks. It’s still too hot to do laundry but hey – no ones perfect!
Just a reminder to all the moms of two or more out there… that the not-getting-momma and dadda’s-full-attention and having a sibling or more, is one aspect of making children better people. Having to wait for something, is something that happens in life all the time, and they are practicing it as children.
With that said, it is hard as hell…
What gives for me is exercise. If I exercise once a week, it is a good week. I cannot sacrifice sleep, if I do, everything else is hell… so, I get done what I can. Gave up TV a long time ago and cannot imagine going back to those days… Books? What are those…
Anything and everything. Anything that is "extra" or "maintenance" finds its way to the sidelines. Housework. (Big surprise, right?) Exercise. Really spending time in the kitchen. Creative stuff. All of the above. Just depends on the week. Writing a thoughtful comment to this post. Sigh. Alas, work calls!
it’s been cooking and cleaning around here…I feel like I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off