I first became a Mother ten years ago. I wasn’t a natural. I was scared and lonely and very sad. I felt guilty. The guilt was overwhelming and I slipped quietly into a dim place. I functioned there. After all, it was familiar to me. I had been there before. I mothered my beautiful child. I loved him fiercely and I took care of him, but none of it made me happy. Guilt. He grew and blossomed and it was a wonder to behold. How did the other mothers manage to sleep and eat and have sex? How did they go on to have other children? The people who loved me must have seen what was happening. Nothing. Perhaps this was motherhood and I was not designed for happiness. Guilt again.
To be thinking of such things, now, on the first anniversary of the birth of my second son, marks this day for me with clarity. Today’s joy, and it is the truest joy I have ever experienced, is appropriately bittersweet amidst the memories. This wasn’t my experience on the first birthday of my first son. He was cheated. I cheated him of a happy mother. I am here now and I’m amazed and grateful for that. I no longer feel the guilt for what could have been. I’ve moved past that.
The fear though, hasn’t completely gone. It lurks in the corners and at the edges. They are dark and threaten to creep back into my days. But they don’t. And I awake
again each morning full of peace. There is a brightness I have never before seen. And it is so light that I cry when I attempt to describe it. I believe it to be happiness.
I thought I would write about fried chicken and tomato salad and sewing projects and baby presents on this day. And perhaps I will do so tomorrow, but for now, I share with you, my friends-without-faces (except for you, Alexis) thoughts which are dominating my moments. And I feel joy.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, Amy. Thanks for your words and thoughts and sharing the journey you are on. I love when people are honest…even about the ugly parts of life. I’m so glad that you have joy today and that life gives us second chances!
I actually cried reading that–and I don’t cry a lot. How I wish I had known you then, and a few years later when Bea was born! That first year was so hard and it seemed like everyone else I knew with a baby was functioning fine–even thriving. I was madly in love with Bea and CMR, but there was no joy at all in any of it. I still have rough days, but nothing like that, and it really does help to know that other women went through it, too, and came out on the other end ok. Thanks so much for sharing that.
I can so relate. I had tried for 5 years to get pregnant. I finally did and then when my son was 3 months old, I got pregnant again. It was a double blessing but I was too overwhelmed to feel it. Now, they are 1 and 2 and with each passing day I am feeling more joy. Motherhood is finally becoming everything I wished for. Blogging is wonderful, if for the only reason not to feel alone! Happy day to you!
good for you Amy. wishing you continued joy.
Thanks for sharing your brave thoughts – when I had my first child I had so many moments when I felt like I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. Breastfeeding was a disaster, and it seemed like the blues were always waiting for me in the wings. I still have days where sometimes I just find myself staring off into space, unable to connect, but for the most part it seems like as the years go by, I believe in myself (and this life) more than ever. I’m so glad to hear that you’re working your way through it, too. Take care.
Thanx for that, Amy. I’m so glad to have found your blog in time to read that. I too am crying. Mostly because it’s making me think about my life. I have more of that shadow side of myself in my life than I’d like to admit. And I definitely don’t find it easy to keep it all together. But you’re reminding me to focus more on being happy and less about being “perfect”. I am happy enough to know how good it feels. So tomorrow I’m going to search for that peace again and try not to get mad at my husband.
I’m so glad you we able to feel joy at your son’s birthday…