You know what some-one’s mother used to say about not saying anything if you didn’t have anything nice to say, right? Well, for a little while there, I guess I didn’t have anything nice to say. I know, I know. I’ve committed out loud and online in front of you (and my mother) to share the good the bad and the ugly here, so on some level, burying my head in the sand when I’ve only got rotten things to say is a failure to keep that vow, but if I promise to tell you about how crappy it’s been will you forgive me?
See, my husband got laid off. And to say that it was a body blow is a little bit of an understatement. I know we shouldn’t have been so surprised (unemployment at 9.6% and all) and we should have been more prepared (yeah, right) and I should have stronger abs, and I should cut out all refined sugar and I should go to temple on Friday nights. Anyway. It’s rough. And I’ve been struggling with a whole bunch of feelings that suck. Let’s start with the anger. Everyone else seems to be living their lives like we’re not sinking. They are pulling out cash at the supermarket and watching cable T.V. and (this one really gets me) laughing. So I’m a little mad at them. And I’m a lot mad at us. For not preparing. And I’m kind of mad at all the people in New York State who voted down school budgets. And I’m mad at George Bush (I just like to blame him for stuff). And then there’s the anxiety. This one is physical. It wakes me up in the night and it hurts my chest. And it comes ’round when I don’t really expect it and kind of knocks me on my ass.
A few silver linings. When I talk about it I’m amazed at how many people have been here before and come through. At how many people are here now. That really isn’t a silver lining I guess—it’s more of a confirmation. That it’s okay to talk. That we’re not alone. That people are kind. This morning I took Quinn for a haircut and our local barber (a seventy-year-old man who has been the barber in our town for over forty years, and recently told me that he can’t retire because of the cost of his wife’s medicine) wouldn’t take my seventeen dollars when I went to pay him. He told me that our family had been good customers of his for years and that he would always be here for us if we needed him.
More silver: I’ve taken a giant leap in my professional life. Something I’ve really always (seriously, always) wanted to do, I have finally done. Take a look. I’ll write more about this in upcoming posts. For now I just wanted to say thanks for your patience with my silence. You’re not rid of me yet.